It's good to be back!

Happy New Year, Everyone!

Yes, I am back. I apologize for the absence, but I went on what can only be described as a holiday hiatus. Let me tell you; a lot happened since I last communicated with you...A LOT! All I can do is give you a run down of some of the highlights. Strap yourself in - here we go.

1. I told all of you about my unfortunate incarceration. A mysterious yellow stain appeared one day on the carpet in the conversation room. Believe me, I had nothing to do with it. I suspect it was the sharpherd or perhaps the tree getting its silent revenge on me for drinking from its reservoir. Anyway, as a result of the stain, the sharpherd and I, prime suspects, were immediately carted off to prison. The humans gleefully called it a "kennel" and talked it up like it was some kind of country club, but I wasn't fooled. I know a jail when I see one. It was awful! As we walked the green mile, all I heard were the screams, howls, and barks of various canines whose humans had deserted them. I kept my cool the whole time, while the sharpherd yelped and cried like a weenie. The other dogs looked at me like I was a jerky treat, but I just flashed them my blue steel look so that they knew not to mess with me. It must've worked, for I survived my brief stay there without an incident except for a prolonged and unwelcome sniff by some mutt named Dilbert (what a pathetic name). Eventually the humans came back and bailed the sharpherd and me out. We never did find out who was responsible for the mysterious yellow spot, but I contend it was the man trying to frame me. I've seen him pee and know what he is capable of.

2. I never did recruit the tree as an ally, and it is a good thing. Right before my eyes, the man did the most savage act I have ever seen. One morning he ruthlessly stripped the tree of all its ornaments and ripped it away from its watering hole. I was unable to secure one more drink before he dumped the tree's tasty, vintage 2008 water into the grass. The man proceeded to drag the tree by its trunk out to the yard where he tore it to shreds, murdering the poor tree, literally tearing it apart limb by limb. I felt a tinge of sadness when I saw this; the tree may not have been an ally, but I will miss its companionship. It has recently been replaced by a chair. How terrible! I am worried I'll one day be taken out this way and replaced by a chia pet or perhaps an umbrella stand. If the man knew I was trying to befriend the tree, it could have been curtains for this chihuahua as well, except I wear less ornaments and have fewer limbs.

3. A new resident was introduced over the holidays, and I am not happy about it. This came very unexpectedly. After I pooped on the carpet and the man said I was "just asking to be replaced," I thought that maybe the jerk really meant what he said for once. The resident is a feline, a species I know little about, and her name is Matilda. What kind of name is that?! Matilda? Not very hip if you ask me...not like Zoey...yeah, Zoey...hip, young, and cool like the other side of the pillow. Zoey rocks! Anyway, I don't know what to make of the feline. Although I don't trust her, I really like her style. The dumb sharpherd tried his aggressive friendship tactics with her, and she immediately swatted him right in the face! It was awesome! Then again, even though it was great to see her put him in his place, the feline freakin' scares me!

4. I am officially addicted to the Food Network. I had the opportunity to watch many shows on that channel, and I have realized that the food the humans feed me really sucks. No tuna tar-tar, no balsamic reduction, no fancy garnish of any kind. Dry food - you gotta be kidding me! I informed the sharpherd of our dilemma, and we agreed we'd fix our plight by scouring the house for items suited for our sophisticated palets. Our investigations yielded one of the most delicious morsels I have ever tasted, and it was prepared by the mysterious feline, who must have attended some kind of culinary school before being kidnapped and brought here. The feline prepared what appeared to be moist cakes covered in a crusted coating almost like a Baltimore crab cake. The sharpherd and I feasted on many of these morsels. Our discovery really upset the humans, and it seemed that they were trying to horde these cakes for themselves; I'm not exactly sure why because it seemed there were plenty to go around, and the feline smiled at us every time we we devoured the treats. Then the truth was later revealed...the sharpherd and I were feasting upon turds covered in cat litter. You would think this might have upset us, but it really is no problem. We happen to enjoy French cuisine and will continue to eat the tasty cakes.

5. Taking a page out of the feline's book, I have attempted to make my own cakes so that I can market them to a broader audience and realize my new dream of becoming a Food Network personality. The problem is that the man keeps thwarting my dreams by cleaning up my steamy droppings before I have a chance to make culinary magic with them. How does he expect me impress Bobby Flay if I have no ingredients to work with? I just know with a little EVOO and some cilantro I would have a hit on my hands!!! I just know Flay will show up one day to "throw down" with me, and I will have nothing to work with. He'd probably bring Rachael Ray and Paula Dean with him, too. I will have to find a way to freeze some of them so that I have them in stock. I hope freezing them won't blanch the flavor, though. Hmmm, I guess it's a chance I'll have to take. Bring it on, Iron Chef!!!

6. By the way, the man is still evil. In his latest attempt to foil me, he has covered the entire yard with a cold white substance called "snow" that makes it impossible for me to relieve myself properly. The squeaky woman (Pookie) and the girl are in cahoots with him because they continue to lead me into its frigid conditions. Oh, he makes me so mad! I think I am going to make him a big ol' lemon snow cone to eat; that will fix him! Wait a minute, lemon snow cones sound pretty good. Maybe I'll make one for myself instead.

Well everyone, thanks for your patience.
I hope to be more diligent in keeping you posted.

Hang loose.
Z.