HOLY CHIHUA-FRAUD, BATMAN!!!

ARRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

Once again my music career has been stymied, and my fans must wait for my debut video. Even worse, this time I can't even blame the man. Rats!!!

Let me tell you my woeful saga.

The other day I decided to take a much needed day off from singing in order to work on augmenting my already expansive wardrobe. Our video shoot is fast approaching, and since the feline has been indisposed due to her addiction to toilet water (she is recovering nicely, by the way, and has apologized to her fans) I myself had been put in charge of picking out the costumes, choreographing our sly dance moves, and catering the whole ordeal. I'm only one dog...all 7 pounds of me!

I decided to first focus on the clothing the sharpherd and I will wear for the video. Trolling through his wardrobe, I found nothing but worn out scarves. Obviously the wrinkled stink-bomb mutt has no taste and is a one-trick-pony when it comes to fashion. How 1980s! I'm surprised I didn't find pastel-colored shirts with linebacker shoulder pads in them, a Spuds Mackenzie t-shirt or a worn out pair of Z-Cavaricci pants. Who am I dealing with here? Don Johnson? Scott Baio? "Boner" from the show Growing Pains? Without the right look, our super-group is doomed!!!

I took the lead and decided I would put together a hip look myself and then have the sharpherd match my outfit as best he can. I was thinking about adding a leather jacket, spiked collar, fish-net stockings or even perhaps a pink Winnie-the-Pooh onesy to my collection in order to give Z-Funk and the C-SHARPherds a bit of an edge. I wanted to create a look that would really catch the people's eye...something that resembles "Marilyn Manson meets Hannah Montana" with just a pinch of Elton John. Now that's a recipe for success that both Bobby Flay and Simon Cowell would love!

Anyway, on with the story. My store of choice for the shopping spree turned out to be the Country Junction. I've known many dogs who got their start there, and usually they come out looking pretty suave,or at least they get a nice discount on Yankee candles.

As I strolled through the store trying to find the petite dog clothing section, I noticed many crazy things that distracted me. There were strange mechanical people that kept repeating the same thing over and over again. I thought about purchasing one of these and programming it to strangle or stomp the man, but I just didn't have the pesos in this economy, you know? I also saw lip balm made of beeswax (without stingers I would hope), a bunch of Ashley furniture that looked great to both nap and pee on, and an old-fashioned sign that read "PRIMITIVES" (obviously this sign was meant to be nailed to the man's forehead).

What really caught my eye was a mighty lion that stood in the corner of the store. You may remember my blog entry about the lion I had befriended to protect me from the man and other foes. Unfortunately, my relationship with the lion soured and was compromised when I learned he was leaking the secrets that I keep while I'm talking in my sleep to the same enemies from whom he was to protect me!!! Because of this, the man and others learned that I have sneakily been eating the feline's cat chow and that I had a secret crush on Cesar Milan, the dog whisperer.

So if I could get this lion on my side, perhaps by purchasing his freedom, he could help me get revenge on that stuffed Judas and finish off the stupid man once and for all! Of course that would have required me to use my credit card, which I secured after the stupid credit card company sent one of their desperate applications to the house in my name, thinking that I am human and actually have a stinkin' job. Ha!

I got out the credit card and sauntered over to the new lion, adeptly trying to initiate conversation with a smooth line: "Foiling the man...priceless." I thought it was quite clever and to the point, but I was shocked that the lion did not respond to this; I sniffed around trying to find a pulse or something. After about fifteen minutes of exploration, something came over me.

All I could do was close my eyes, shake like a washing machine with uneven legs, and pray like heck...
"Oh no. Not again. Not here. Not now. Not in front of the lion, the mechanical people and everyone else!"

Plop...I dropped a poop.

It all happened so fast, all I could do was sprint in a circle and look for cover as the steam bellowed to the ceiling. I was so embarrasssed; I just knew the paparazzi was hiding in that Country Junction waiting to expose my accident.

Apparently at this moment, I also dropped my credit card, and it totally disappeared!!! I sniffed around everywhere, but I could not find it. Heartbroken and red with shame, I went home...no clothes, no fierce new lion, no plastic.

But who stole it?

Could
It
Have
Been
The
Man
???

I only wish.

Then I could have had him arrested and thrown into prison, perhaps the same kennel stall I had to live in for a few days after the mysterious yellow stain appeared on the carpet right before the tree's untimely death.

A few days later, however, I was shocked to find out the man was not the culprit, at least not directly. I was surfing the 'net, looking to see if Z-Funk was getting any press. That's when I found out that I, Zoey Grace the Chihuahua had become a victim...

...a victim of identity theft.

Some other dog, a rat in chihuahua's clothing, has become me...Zoey...Z-Funk.

Just read the article...obviously this dog does not know that I am the star, nor does she know what kinds of unspeakable acts of vengeance I am capable of.



Just ask the man.

Cut and paste this link to read about the imposter:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19901704/

There is only room for one...
Zoey.