Cinco De Mayo

Happy Cinco De Mayo everyone!

In case you have been misled by some idiotic drunken buffoon who uses this celebration along with St. Patrick's Day, Groundhog Day, Teacher Appreciation Week, Fasnacht Day, or Lassie's birthday to get all boozed up, Cinco De Mayo is not the Mexican Independence Day. No, my friends. Cinco De Mayo is when the proud Mexican government decided not to pay back their high interest debts to the French, and then my Mexican brothers defeated those snooty snail-eaters in battle. This is part of a long history of the French losing wars and being creepy and the Mexicans not paying anybody back. Boy I love my heritage!

Anyway, let me tell you my most recent news. I was eavesdropping under the covers the other night as the people were talking about their usual nonsense and making rude comments about me they think I do not understand. They are right because I really don't understand, but I get an eerie feeling they make fun of me behind my back. Just a feeling.

Eventually a word was mentioned that gave me such a start, my ears popped up and some gas escaped my bowels (this often happens when I get excited or steal a piece of the man's burrito).

The word was...adoption.

My mind was instantly taken back to the day of my adoption, when the people rescued me from the concentration camp in New Jersey. It was the happiest day of my life to that point except maybe for the time some guy dropped a Sun chip on the floor and I found it, but my ensuing battles with the man have tested my resolve and sanity. Sometimes when I look at his stupid face and listen to his goofy comments, I wonder if it was worth it. Then I look at old pictures of how skinny I was, and I realize that life as a stick figure really does suck.

Back to the topic at hand. What I could not figure out is exactly what they were thinking about adopting. They already adopted me, a really sexy chihuahua and first class winner, as well as Matilda the evil feline and that bumbling stooge, Tucker the sharpherd, who still has no idea who Eric Estrada is even after I forced him to watch "Chips" highlights and real estate informercials on youTube with me.

But I digress. My mind continued to flutter with ideas of what they were adopting. The first thing that popped into my mind was another dog, maybe one to replace Tucker since he has really fallen out of favor with the neighbors with all of his barking and alleged Ben Roethlisberger-like solicitation of the bunny rabbits in the yard.

Could it be maybe they were getting another feline to even the odds in the eventual pet war that will go down one of these days?

Hmmmm...maybe they finally decided to adopt the Christmas tree and not just foster him over the holiday season in order to dress him up like a tramp and torture him repeatedly.

Or could it be they were thinking of replacing me???

I have heard the man talking about how cool dachshunds and other strange species of dogs I've never heard of before are, like birkenstocks, philly phanatics, marshmallow peeps, and some breed called a Tony Horton. If he even tries it, then I know someone who will take a keen interest in walking under his feet when he is at the top of the stairs!

Wait...I know; they are talking about a baby!

Now that is okay with me. It will take some getting used to, but I'm game. In fact, you will not find a better babysitter than this chihuahua. I know many lullabyes I can scream to put the baby to sleep. Plus if the baby is hungry, I have ten nipples itchin' for some action. Maybe I can even make some money off of this...

...unless they adopt Tony Horton because he doesn't do dairy.

Ole, Friends!
Up yours, Arizona!

Z. Funk